But about myself and my tendencies in encountering life, and alternatives that would broaden my mind and expand my awareness and give me new tools with which to access my strength and happiness.
Because of all things this year I have gone from weakness to strength and from high through each low to another high.
Weakness comes from misinterpreting, misidentifying and disbelieving your strengths. Comparatively, strength comes from peace:
When we are at peace with ourselves and do not expect more than we can produce, we realise that we can do anything within our physical limits to varying degrees of quality. We can have as much energy as we need if we take the appropriate steps to get there. We can feel energised from even breathing enough of our sweet sweet oxygen. We can stare a sad person in the face and feel strong for them as well as ourselves, because we are and have prepared for being supportive through only that same peacefulness that can give us energy. Personal, emotional strength is limitless. You can handle it all if you think about it without absolutes, recognising oppositions, recognising how relative to everything it all is.
You can feel weak in the face of bureaucracy, in the face of hostile and exclusive institutions designed to predicate one viewpoint to the exclusion of all others. You can feel powerless, a cog in the machine whirling around you. Or you can feel unique: rules and bureacracy were put there by a group with analogous viewpoints. Just because they dont fit you doesnt mean you dont fit here - in this country, this world and on this earth. It just means you might have to stand alone in your beliefs until you find sympathisers too: a whole group of people has more ideological weight than an individual, but that does not mean you are invalid or irrelevant.
Many times we have experiences in this world that imply to us that we are exactly those: invalid and irrelevant. It is not because of us. It is because of this hideously rigourous, unnaturally numeric, emotionally dormant, bureacratic ideology that our civilisation is based in. It is just another system of values and all we can do as humans is change it. Change it or be swallowed by it, as with our minds.
We misinterpret, underestimate and disbelieve our strengths because of the emotionally dormant ideology we are forced to live in. Strength isnt always tensile, or measurable by number. We are not taught how amazing we are and can be and how wholly we as a civilisation can realise it. We are not taught to value peace and creative adventure, selfexpression, harmlessness, selflessness. We are taught to focus on our self to the exclusion of others’ and told we need ‘work’, money, material improvement. We are not taught to nurture and nourish what we have.
The importance of the low is the knowledge that, as the moon waxes and wanes and as the tides rise and fall, the high will return. We are our own best compass at that. If we are constructive, working towards something which will give us fulfilment and grounds for further expansion, we will get higher. If we are low then focussing on the low exacerbates it. So does escapism. Running. You confront your problems, because that is the only way to truly leave things behind. We must always look for the way out and up, and remember that while we may be here for no reason or against all reason we can only make our own. Noone elses reasons will fit us.
Make the reason the high. Do it because you want to feel better, but dont do it to block it all out. Do it because you KNOW you can feel better and because you know that what you are doing is another expression of what you like, what you can do, and what rewards you because YOU CAN do anything you want. You just have to know that you want it and why, and change will come as it always does.
Sometimes good things dont happen. Sometimes you have to make good things happen. But that can be as simple as gardening and planting flowers to save the bees. Good things must happen, but sometimes we are needed in the process.
How do you think it feels for me? Watching you get further and further away and further and further embedded in your mind and what its telling you. You say that its purely a logical conclusion - there is just absolutely no point for you to be here, now or ever - and i know you. I know your mind and your brain and they are poisonously logical to the point that they do this to you. Repeatedly. Increasingly. To the point where the air that surrounds you already almost feels dead.
It kills me.
Logic may indeed kill our world and it certainly is killing you. In the most important organ - your will to live.
I cant stand it. I cant stand watching you grow blind to the colour and the love and the beauty and the life that fills our world. All the bad - that only makes the good more important and i cant BELIEVE you dont see that.
Its so much worth fighting for because there are all these greedy motherfuckers intent on fucking you over for their statistics and bullshit fucking incompetence.
And you dont just sit there restraining yourself from quitting. You go out there and you fucking live this life or you resign. Do or dont. Dont piss around in the middle with me watching you avoid both. You dont want to live and yet you dont want to leave me behind. So make up your mind and by GOD i hope you choose life… but who am i to stop you?
Just make a decision.
Because watching you avoid it is LITERALLY killing me.
It is worth it baby. There is so much out here for you and for us and I dont want you to miss out on any of that because of your shitful, hateful mind. I remember when we first started and you seemed to have hope. You can find hope again. Sometimes life gives you no reasons but itself.
“Sometimes I come to hate people because they can’t see where I am. I’ve gone empty, completely empty and all they see is the visual form: my arms and legs, my face, my height and posture, the sounds that come from my throat. But I’m fucking empty. The person I was just one year ago no longer exists, drifts spinning slowly into the ether somewhere way back there.”—
Ever since I was little I have learned to love my body and from a young age, experience what it has to offer me. I think I was about 12 when I actually started masturbating and knowing what I was really doing. I think its such a beautiful thing, learning how to…
There’s a saying I heard somewhere about sex [don’t quote me]: not before you know what you want can you know how to treat others well too.
Hence - find out the way you like it so when you have a guy, you can boss him around a little. they like it, trust me.